My Covid journey has been a true spiritual rite of passage and doorway to freedom on many levels. There was much that occurred during this seven-plus week journey. I’m posting an edited version of this journey here. I share this vulnerable story with prayers that it may help you on your journey as well.
**For those who are more interested in the emotional/spiritual entries, look for the double asterisks.
Day One: Last night, the symptoms started – fever, chills, achy, exhausted. I sense I have what my daughter and partner have…COVID. I’ve tried so hard to stay healthy…my hands are chapped from washing them, and the house smells like alcohol from so much cleaning. But, symptoms don’t lie…
Day Three: I just got tested. But my doctor tells me it’s safe to assume that I have Covid since I’ve been living with two others who have it. I feel terrible…I’m living in a feverish heavy gray cloud; I can’t think or do anything. I’m taking a huge amount of supplements, and Ivermectin is on its way.
Day Five: The fever has not yet stopped as it did for my daughter and partner. I’m walking in a daze. I have overwhelming exhaustion. I finally have the Ivermectin and began taking it today. I hope it helps. The mucus in my lungs feels like cement.
**Day Six: Today in meditation, I had an intense fear arise, asking, “What if I die”?
My consciousness quickly rejected the idea.
But, a deeper response arose, “If I do die, I will finally get to rest?”
“WHAT?” my mind responded.
My body then reminded me of the deep soul exhaustion from decades of intense healing and pushing myself. That, topped with the most recent experience of the launch of Sophia Healing Academy (SHA), squarely landed me staring in the eyes of Covid and this rite of passage.
I LOVE that SHA is alive…but the launch, the high-end coach with the long agenda of to-do’s, and how the “pusher” part of my personality fully bought into it…did me in. Clearly, it’s time for deep rest and reboot.
Day Nine: The fever is still coming daily, and I’m exhausted. My doctor has been calling me every other day from her vacation in Mexico. I hear the concern in her voice. The Ivermectin did little to nothing. I’m adding to my supplement protocol daily. I have never taken this many supplements in my life. Fortunately, something is working. I can still breathe okay, and that’s keeping me out of the hospital.
**Day Ten: Today, in a feverish meditation, I met death. As death arose in my awareness, I felt my survival instincts intensely gripping onto life until finally they gave way and allowed “what is” to simply be. Here, I discovered that death is a doorway to more life. It offers the gift of change and a new and different form of life to arise. I accept this gift, deeply knowing that as I do, I shift away from my ego, its fears, and core function of “life at all cost”. And, in doing so I let more room in for my higher self to lead.
Day Eleven: The fever is still present. My doctor senses I have a secondary lung infection and finally convinced me to take antibiotics. I never take antibiotics. But, I can feel my lungs getting heavier. This is getting more serious. I sense possible pneumonia on top of Covid. Antibiotics it is then.
Day Twelve: Day two on antibiotics. They’re working – my fever is beginning to come down. Yay! My daughter is fully better, and my partner is doing well. But I’m still deeply exhausted. The truth is I’m too sick to work. This might go on much longer than expected.
**Day Fourteen: My fever FINALLY fully cleared yesterday. But, it was not what I expected. As soon as I awoke, I felt SUPER emotional. It was as if my fever wore down ALL boundaries to my emotions, and an intense volcano of fear, grief, guilt and more flowed out…I just let it all pour out and cried for hours. A big part of this is that my daughter is leaving soon to go to boarding school. I had no idea how many emotions I had about this. I feel like I’m being turned inside out.
**Day Fifteen: Hallelujah, the fever has not come back. But I’m still deeply exhausted. My emotional body is super alive and active – so many emotions are still pouring out. Yet, my foggy mind is having a hard time tracking them all…they just wash over me. I trust that my higher self will carry me through this initiation.
Day Sixteen: After researching all typical avenues, I discovered it would be at least 3-4 weeks before financial support will arrive. I’ve been concerned. But, in meditation yesterday, I realized/surrendered to the fact that I need to turn to my community for support. So, today I put out an email asking for financial support. It felt SUPER vulnerable to be so exposed. Yet, I feel vulnerability is part of what this Covid rite of passage is all about.
Day Twenty: So many people are giving donations…and they are still coming in. I’m being forced to learn how to S-T-R-E-T-C-H to receive so much support. I feel truly blessed. My heart is filled with gratitude for all of this love, support, and generosity. I’m being carried…tears of gratitude and relief.
**Day Twenty Two: All roads are leading to one thing…I am being asked to fully look at the “Pusher,”; a part of my subconscious that has been running for decades, if not all my life. For days this part has eluded my efforts to connect with it. But, finally, today, I was able to make contact. Clearly, its job is to make sure I survive. I can feel how this aspect has been trying to protect me. But, it pushes me beyond my physical capacity. Underneath it, there is much fear and terror.
It feels really ancient and connected to a deep inherent mistrust of humanity based on eons of a bloody and violent past. The trauma that has occurred for me isn’t just an idea. I feel it in my being. The past lives awakened from within have given me the direct feeling of how bad it’s been.
Truth be told, these somatic memories of past trauma have been the foundation as to why I’ve been so motivated to find a way to heal deeply. I needed to connect to the healing powers of my higher self, higher dimensional guides, and Somatic Awakening® to come to peace. Yet, these memories have also been the fuel for the Pusher. This part of me has been trying to run away from the past for a very long time. Now, a very bright light is being shined upon it.
**Day Twenty Three: I’m having glimpses of beginning to feel okay. But then the exhaustion hits again. My lungs, however, seem to be getting better with the nebulizer (thanks to my ND friend who insisted on this).
The waves of emotions are still present, though. They are beginning to slow down, and I am slowly starting to see the bigger view…there are so many ways that Covid is forcing me to re-evaluate my life. The recent awareness of the Pusher is at the core of it all. There is a deep unwinding here happening…and all I can do is surrender.
**Day Twenty Five: As I start to slow down, even more, I drop into the natural order of things…or what could be called The Way, The Flow, The Tao. I sense how it is inherent in everything. It is inextricably and symbiotically connected to us all. I’m slowing down enough to actually feel how the divinity within The Way…is carrying me, humanity, life, death, and all in between.
I also feel that most of humanity has sped up so much that we don’t give ourselves the true opportunity to really FEEL this. And, if we can’t FEEL the inherent divine essence living inside of the natural order, then we can’t align to and FEEL The Way living through us.
Day Thirty: I decided to go away to a hot spring for rejuvenation with my daughter. This is what I need…to just chill. Stop answering my phone, my emails, and just be with myself, the sun, the water, and my precious daughter. We are evolving so much in our relationship as she tentatively steps into adulthood.
**Day Thirty Two: As I slow to the speed of nature, I am finding a powerful path to happiness. It allows and receives the simple pleasures of what my being loves…a long soak in water, sitting under a tree, and snuggling with my beloved daughter.
Day Thirty Four: I just returned from the waters. It was very rejuvenating, and when I returned, I thought I was healed. But, the exhaustion came back almost immediately with activity.
More is unraveling inside…and is trying to be articulated. It feels expansive, ancient, and even beyond time. But, there are no words yet to define this next unfolding.
Day Thirty Seven: My daughter left today for a cross-country road trip with her father. Then summer school at a fabulous boarding school at Cape Cod, where she will continue in the fall. There has been such deep sharing and tears. It has been an intense process of letting her go. But I’m finally ready now to open my hand and let her fly.
Then as soon as she left, the exhaustion hit me like a brick wall and a clear reminder that I’m not yet better.
**Day Thirty Eight: Today, in inquiry with a mentor, the Pusher, as well as the mistrust of humanity was brought into clear view.
Through this conversation, I realized that it’s not humanity that I do not trust. I do not trust the violence, power over mentality, and patriarchal brutality of the past (and even present).
I actually deeply love humanity. And underneath it, the Pusher does too. It has not only been pushing me to survive but also trying to make sure that humanity survives, too.
Then I was taken into a vision of meeting many humans from the future (all who I am somehow connected to). They were powerfully supporting me in my soul’s work. I was shown that these beings would receive what I teach as a foundation for the work that they are here to do in the future. I saw how we are all connected beyond time in a circle of support. And, I realized that the north star of my work is to help stabilize the future of humanity by helping heal humanity in the present time. And, with that, a profound truth fell into my lap and shifted my life.
**Day Thirty Nine: I am in personal retreat now. Today in meditation I went deeper with Somatic Awakening and the Pusher. And, I was allowed in even more by this part.
I felt the underlying fear of suffering and mistrust, which has acted as its fuel. It had its heels dug in. But, my higher self witness was fully present in a powerful loving connection with it for a long time. It needed time to open to trust. It’s been buried in the contraction of fear and mistrust for lifetimes.
But, then toward the end, it began opening to trust the natural flow of life, the Way, and my higher self. This opened the doorway to allowing in powerful healing, peace, ease, and grace. And, the Pusher finally softened. I was witnessing Somatic Awakening at its best – living through me through this rite of passage.
**Day Forty: I feel a huge shift. The core of the Pusher program is dismantling inside of my being. I also feel my commitment to help the Pusher learn that it can trust the flow of life, the divine, and my higher self…and that can take time. It is not for my ego-mind to demand or declare that all is done and healed. I know true healing takes as long as is needed to trust that healing love at this level is real. And to allow this healing love in for as long as is needed.
**Day Forty One: I am moving toward a stage of completion, not only of this Covid rite of passage but in my life as well. All that has come before…all that I have done externally and evolved/healed internally is deeply grounded inside of me now. I no longer need to push to survive, be “better,” or accomplish some outside goal. The slate has somehow been wiped clean.
I can now step deeper into a relaxed life of love, peace, joy, and abundance. Not that there isn’t more to “do” – there is so much evolution I see ahead with Sophia Healing Academy, and there is a book coming down the pike.
But, I now know that I have what I need to live in present-time alignment with the Way, the Flow, Ease, Harmony, and Grace.
**Day Forty Three: Today, we went on a walk in the Laguna. Slowly walking in nature, I was able to tap into the natural flow present.
It is the middle way…of not forcing, trying, pushing, or rushing…just allowing the divine inherent in life to simply “Be.” This has made the whole experience of this Covid rite of passage worth it. This has truly been a doorway to freedom!
**Day Forty Eight: Final Words…
I know the Divine is within…
The warmth of the hearth fire and ferocity of a blazing forest,
The grace of the gentle wind and the intensity of a tornado,
The beauty of the waterfall and the power of a tsunami,
The wisdom of humanity and the illumination of each human.
This warmth, ferocity, grace, intensity, beauty, power, wisdom, and illumination lives within the Flow of Life Within ME.
The crystalline core of my DNA is at one with the crystalline core of Sophia-Gaia.
My Oversoul is at one with the Divine Presence of the All.
My being is at one with the collective of humanity and the natural flow of life all around me.
I am not separate.
I am not better than or less than.
The time of pushing me to be anything other than me is complete.
With great tenderness, I lie down beside the healing waters with the Pusher that has tried to save me for so long. I feel how worthy this part of me is to receive this healing love that brings it back into balance and freedom.
In my beauty and flaws,
My wisdom and not knowing,
My majesty and humbleness,
My power and surrender…
I Simply Am…
At One With It All,
And So Are You,
End Without End!
Dr. Melissa Sophia Joy is a Naturopathic Doctor, Founder of Somatic Awakening®, Sophia Healing Academy, and Specialist in Mind-Body-Spirit Counseling. She is also a Wisdom Teacher, Oracle, Mystic in the Magdalene-Sophia lineage, Energy Medicine Practitioner, and Medical Intuitive. She has been in practice as a naturopathic doctor for twenty years. But, most significantly she is a carrier of an ancient wisdom tradition of opening to our own unique connection to the divine and tapping into the potent energy of healing that resides there. She discovered this path inside by walking through her own profound healing and awakening over decades. In her practice and teaching, she helps her patients and students heal and evolve as they remember this light within and shift from dis-ease to well-being, balance, self-love, and peace.